After many arguments and debates, southern scientists meeting yesterday in Arkansas determined that Nascar is no longer an actual sport and stripped it of its "sports" status. Nascar came under a great debate of "sporthood" after people were trying to add other activities as un-athletic as Nascar (such as bowling, table-tennis, and the WNBA) to the list of current sports. "This has been a debate for quite a while but in the end we decided that if Pluto can be removed as a planet because it is insignificant, then Nascar should be removed as a sport because people with more than 2 degrees separation from the south don't care about it," Professor Plum said. "When it comes down to it" the professor added, "driving really fast in circles doesn't mean you are talented but just lost or drunk. We never should have ever made it a sport in the first place. If we could do it all over again, we definitely wouldn't have even considered it."
Opponents of the downgrade include TP-PETA (Trailer Park - People for the Ethical Treatment of Alabaman's) and their National Chairman (or Chairwoman if you are into that whole PC thing) Tonya Harding. "We are outraged at this new development," says Harding. "Nascar is as much as a sport to us as golf is to the upper-class." Unfortunately for Harding, she didn't realize that the scientists never actually considered golf a sport (sorry, Tiger) and therefore her point was irrelevant.
Nascar's origins came from a postgame tail-gate party back in the day. After an Alabama-Auburn game, the locals who had too much to drink, decided that if they got in cars and drove real fast it would take away the sting of another tie game (There are 2 things to note here: 1) Yes boys and girls, back when I grew up they had no overtimes in college football so games actually ended in a tie... 2) Since a tie game is like "kissing your sister" one would assume that Alabama-Auburn fans would be excited that they both get to go home winners!). But just to add a little more excitement to that kiss, they decided to race around and the winner's team could claim victory for that year (I think the race was from the Ol' Johnson's outhouse to the Gretchen's Family Store. First one to touch the spittoon won).
After reviewing these findings (and the Alabama-Auburn tailgate picture posted above), scientists wondered what the hell they were thinking in the first place naming Nascar a sport and immediately reversed their decision. The ruling is expected to be appealed in the local court house (I think it's the one with the confederate flag over it) sometime early next year. Stay tuned for the latest on this breaking development.
Is Danica Patrick the Vice-Chairman to Tonya Harding? Just Curious,
"The Bear"
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